Back in 1997 when my teenage son began dating the blonde haired, blue-eyed girl next door, my reaction can almost be called hypocritical. After all, hadn’t I spent the years after my divorce specifically dating only Caucasian males?
Well perhaps it was this specificity in my past choices, which led me to believe (as many still do) that just as lesbians and gay men “choose” to be homosexual, so do teenagers “choose” to date outside of their race. I was distraught over my son’s choice because I felt that in choosing to date a white girl, he was rejecting his Black mother, and all of the other Black women in his family tree.
So, what did I do? Well what could I do? You know from my previous posts that I love my children just the way that God gave them to me – unconditionally. And, for that reason, I would never allow them to feel less than loved by me. When my son was 5, he said to me “Mommy, how come you’re white and we’re black”. Hmmm, even at 5 my boy had deep thoughts ; as you well know, I am not white, but I am less brown than my children are and I mention this only to illustrate that kids don’t start seeing color and differences until we point them out.
When it comes to people, our childrens’ likes and dislikes are based on their feelings about those people, and race and ethnicity don’t even come into play for them. That is until we start to point it out. I think that my reaction to his choice of girlfriend freaked my son out because I am the last of the hippie chicks, the love everybody equally generation, the don’t judge a person by what’s on the outside school of thought.
And there I was being a big fat hypocrite when my son did exactly as he was taught and didn’t judge the book by it’s cover!
12 years later I am older, wiser and more accepting. I know now that you love who you love, and like Michael Jackson so eloquently stated “it don’t matter if you’re Black or White” . I know that my childrens choices when it comes to their partners is not a rejection of me or their race. I believe that if we leave them be, our children will obliterate the racial divide – if we let them.
Unfortunately, I saw on Mamapedia that there are parents who are now entering the struggle. I have a friend who is white and her teenage daughter likes a Black child in her grade. They are unofficially dating, I don’t have a problem with it, but my friend does, even though she has never mentioned it to me. I feel like there is a big old elephant in the room every time we are together, that there is something we should talk about but don’t. We discuss husbands, diets, raising kids – you name it. But I see the elephant out of the corner of my eye, and I so want to mention him.
I know in my heart, that she will come around on her own, 12 years from now she will probably laugh about this and wonder why the situation upset her so much. You see when our children date outside of their race it’s not about us, and if we will remove ourselves from the equation we would not be upset about the color of the other person and we would be free to judge them on “the content of their character”, just the same way we judge anyone who dares to date our child.
I think it’s telling that this interracial relationship is totally accepted by her child’s peers. The future looks bright after all.